Christmas In A New Light

2020 Christmas - me and my Daddy

Christmas of 2010 was spent in Albany, Georgia at my parents house where we had spent every Christmas since I had gotten married and moved out. The difference, I was now divorced, dating the man who would later become my husband, and of course, I still had my children in tow. They were older now, 24 and 15 years old to be exact. But we all still gathered at my folks for Christmas Day dinner. 

This particular year I would notice a tiredness that I hadn't seen before. Or had I seen it and just not been ready to make the change? Hadn't wanted to stop the dream of home and comfort quite yet. The familiar smells and always delicious food that we were guaranteed to take part in devouring when we gathered around the table. 

That day, as we all found our seats, I glanced down at the end of the table and saw the biggest silent reality-check one could receive. My daddy and my Mama were sitting next to one another, we were all exclaiming over how good everything looked; and as all of that was happening I saw my daddy put his hand over my mother's and pat her hand a couple of times as if to say, "I know how tired you are, I'm sorry, and I appreciate you". 

That's what his expression said to her; to me it was a silent suggestion that it was time. It was time for

someone else to take the heavy reins of responsibility that come with cooking a huge meal like that for 8-10 people. Because back then, even though we asked if we could help or bring food, my sister and I were usually only tasked with bringing the ice or the rolls. So there I was in 2011 - about to embark on the biggest task of my cooking life. I had all the recipes and I was fully capable - meaning I could read and follow directions. I didn't have a big enough table, so for that first year so I rented a long table and some plastic chairs from Bell & Bates. It served it's purpose, we had enough room for everybody to have a place to seat and eat, but I swore the next year my Mama wouldn't be sitting in an uncomfortable, plastic chair at Christmas. The food was mostly alright but there is an art to my mother's dressing and I was definitely not in a Picasso state yet. 

The next year, I set out to find a table, the perfect table for my family - all of my family. I would find it at the first store I went to - which was Turner's. And I don't mind doing a little side advertising for them - they are where I always find my best pieces of furniture. I walked the whole store it seemed, then I rounded a corner and there it was! I had to order two extra chairs - but that beautiful table was going to be mine. 

As the years have gone by, ten years and counting now, the meals are all served here, and my family sits together in comfort at the perfect table. The meals have improved, meaning the dressing is now becoming "my art" and my kids are older now, and I don't mind at all letting any of them bring a dish or two to complete the meal. They're all good cooks and it's less stress for me! 

This will be the first Christmas sitting at the table without Daddy at the head of one end. I know people say there are a lot of first's after a loved one passes away. Father's Day, his grandson's wedding, Thanksgiving, and his December birthday, have all come and gone. 

But we're all doing the best we know how. My house, table and bar were packed at Thanksgiving which made me happier than you could imagine, we celebrated Mama's birthday in style, and tomorrow is Christmas. 

But tonight - tonight we are going to take Mama riding to look at Christmas lights. She said it had been years since she had been. Once Daddy's disease began to take hold, he didn't feel comfortable driving too far in the daylight - much less in the dark. So I'd say it's been at least 6 or 7 years since she last went. I'm hoping the lights do for all of us what we all feel like is missing - some brightness, color, joy and hope. 

Merry Christmas to all - from our family to yours. 

It's Been A Minute

 It's been almost exactly six months. In two more days it will be the last day we would physically see your face, no matter that you would no longer see us. 

We had a big 4th of July, a big ole' meal like one that you would have enjoyed. The kids were here, and even Amanda rode down and spent the whole weekend with us. United we decided, that the first person to sit in your seat after you were gone, would be Amanda. We thought it was only fitting, being that she is your baby sister and all.

After lunch Zach broke out the cornhole targets and he, Megan, J and Ashley played a game or three in my front yard as Mama, Amanda and I watched from the front porch. 

Later that night, we all lined-up in lawn chairs across your front lawn, while Zach and Megan would put on a firework show that would rival any others I had ever seen. We all laughed big and smiled hard, but we all still knew you were missing.

J has a new partner and their name is Brett. She is absolutely lovely, just the right mix of funny, social and smart as a whistle - just like J. And that's good; J has always preferred to be mentally challenged a bit. We broke her in on our family at my 58th birthday celebration. We all had the biggest time! We had supper at Laredo's, a local Mexican restaurant and IF YOU CAN BELIEVE THIS - we all left there and after much coaxing - Mama, Ashley and I followed the kids to The Bottom! Per Zach, it's kind of a dive bar, but it's one with an inviting and cozy fire place, and tons of character some would say.  And no worries, we got her home unscathed and stone cold sober.  It turned out to be a great birthday, complete with my be-jeweled crown Mama had bought for me earlier in the day. but I missed your phone call, which was almost always, my first call of the day.  

A week ago, your youngest grandchild married the girl of his dreams. We all know how hard you tried to make it. How much you wanted to be able to see it. But I still know that you did. It was beautiful, Megan was beautiful, Zach was beautiful and so was J - and of course their respective wedding parties. All of Zach's childhood friends plus J stood by his side - and I tell you - I have never felt so much love and brotherhood in my life from where I sat. 

All the normal dances were performed - but then Zach surprised his Mema with a grandmother dance. He asked her to dance in his own typical phrasing "come on Mema, we're gonna jook". They would dance to the soft, soothing tones of the Temptations as My Girl echoed through the covered tent. Mama would tell me later that Zach was singing the song to her as well, as they danced in front of crowd with misty eyes all around. 

Next week is a big one though - it will be our first big holiday without you. And then fast-before-you-can-blink, after that one, will come another - Christmas. 
It's the Saturday before the big day next week, and very untypical of me, I am just now decorating my big, loving table for the season. 

I'm not sure how any of it is going to feel, or how it's going to go. I just know there will be a big fat hole left, where you used to be. 

I hope it doesn't take me as long to decorate for Christmas as it did for Thanksgiving. I know that you never liked Christmas much, a lot of people just don't do well during the holidays. But you always loved to look at my tree once it was all decorated. Maybe you can figure out a way to let me know that you're here.   

I've been missing your mama / my MaMa - once you left us - I suspect she was finally full of comfort. She hasn't visited me since you've been gone. At all. So for all the doubter's out there - I will always know that was her - just like I know - that now that her baby boy has gone home - she has gone quiet. I love you Daddy and I sure hope I hear from you soon. Love, the daughter named Michelle                                  It's Been