As I sat down to write today I knew in my mind, some of the words would not come easy. I knew I would struggle with my thoughts and that there would very possibly have to be some deep soul searching. Owning up to your own faults and disappointments can be difficult. The truth can be painful and unpleasant. Self evaluation is the hardest thing to do. Because we can all make excuses for ourselves, our behavior, and our shortcomings. But to stand up and say, "I just didn't get it done", to look in the mirror without blinders on, now that is the brave and honorable thing to do.
Resolutions. They're hard. It's hard to decide what is important enough to set your mind to accomplishing, important enough that no matter what, you think you will do it, and important enough that in the end, it will make a difference in your life. Sometimes, not only in your life, but in the lives of the ones you love, and even more importantly, in the lives of people you have yet to know or love.
I have fell off the wagon more times that I can possibly remember. Last January, my mind was filled with such resolve and determination. I was finally, once and for all, going to get all this excess weight off and keep it off. I found me a couple of wonderful walking partners and off we went. Making long strides and walking literal circles around the doubt that it could be done. We walked most every day. Hot, cold, tired, frustrated, or worn out. We walked.
Then, at the end of June, I fell of the wagon. My walking partner had a problem with her ankle. I tried to go alone. To stick to it. I bought an IPOD. Downloaded all my favorite music, and I walked. Alone. For about two weeks. Then stopped.
A couple of months later I started walking with another friend. But by then it was August and 100 degrees at 7pm.
I found all kinds of reasons to not walk. Many legitimate, some not. Too hot, too late, working late. And course school began for Zach which brought extra activities and another host of excuses and reasons.
In those seven months that I walked I didn't lose a major amount of weight, but I lost a lot of inches and gained back a lot of self esteem. My blood pressure went down, my sugar was in control and I just felt better. Better than I had in a long, long time.
I'm not going to make a resolution to do anything this year. It feels pointless and it's humiliating when I don't carry it through. I feel as if I set myself up for failure before I even get past the first week of the new year. I am simply going to do my best, to do my best, at everything I do. Whether it's losing weight, being more kind and compassionate, more understanding and reasonable, less judgmental and conclusive in my thoughts, less apt to butt in even though I know I could help, and have more patience on the days when I feel I have none left.
I'm pretty dang sure I can do all of those things. I know without a doubt I can certainly try. And that's all we should ever ask of anyone or ourselves is that we just try. To hold on tighter to the reins and stay in the wagon.
Happy New Year everybody. If 2012 was not your best year, I pray 2013 is better. If 2012 was the best year you have ever seen, I pray in 2013 you can maintain the excellence. And I wish and hope for you all the exact same thing, which is more peace in your heart, love in your life, and never-ending hope that your dreams come true.