Friday, June 14, 2013
I NEVER KNEW PEOPLE DID THAT FOR MONEY.COM
A week later, someone calls you on a land line telephone, asks you to come in for an interview, and if you smile pretty enough and say all the right things, you might get the job.
There is not one single thing about applying for a job that works like THAT anymore. You walk into a place of business and ask for an application, they look at you like you're a nut case recently escaped from a time capsule somewhere. And if you happen to get a young person (younger than 35) to assist you, they have to ask someone else more mature what is an application, why is the stranger in the lobby asking for one, and what should they say to you because you are obviously from another country. Once the mature person tells them what they should do with you, they come back to the lobby and tell you to apply for a job ON LINE.
Okaaaayyyyyy....ON LINE....what? Like on the computer? How in the heck am I supposed to find a job on the computer. I mean I know I have learned to order my clothes "on line". And I have learned to listen to music AND stalk my Face book "on line". But look for a job? How impersonal is that I ask you?!
So my fate decided, I set about to find out where to go on line to look for A JOB. Turns out, there are special sites for job hunting. 236 sites to be exact.
It was overwhelming to say the least. Too many Jobs.Com for this ole' girl. So I talked to some of my friends and they explained to me that the first thing I needed to do was update my resume.
Well my last resume was done in 1993. Twenty years ago. One baby boy, 100 pounds and 12 clothes sizes ago. I didn't plan on ever needing a resume again, so NO, bunches of smartie britches friends, I hadn't updated it lately. I have to tell you, I felt very old and intimidated trying to get it done. For one thing, I had nothing to say about anything but the job I have had for the last forever. I felt so outdated and dormant. But it was all I had, so I wrote the words down and dared anyone to question where I had been the last quarter of a century.
Next step. I attempted to go to these 236 sites and download my resume. That was about 3 weeks ago. As of last Saturday, I had heard nothing to date, I am talking to my oldest son, frustrated, angry, and hurt, because no one has called or emailed me. We set a date for Sunday, to communicate via telephone and figure out what I may or may not be doing wrong.
We were on the phone for two solid hours. Ask me how many applications I was able to get done in that period of time. ONE. ONE APPLICATION. Because now there are three applications for every one job. One is for the site that you are asking to be a part of and receive information from, one is like a personnel file and one is the actual application. We had 90 minutes to complete it. Josh was helping me with my verbiage towards the end, and I was sweating it to the finish line!
Anyway, we got that one done, and now I was registered on the site. My son asked me how many other sites had my resume. I told him one in particular, that I done three weeks ago that was called Indeed.Com. He said "well, lets check it, maybe something isn't right since you haven't heard anything". I give him my password, he checks it out, it's there, and he begins to read off all these job updates. I'm carrying on now, wanting to know why they haven't called me or emailed me. He's laughing, and through my rant, I'm beginning to laugh at him laughing at me. He said as gently as my sweet son could, "Mom, YOU HAVE TO CHECK THE SITE".
And there went the next ten minute rant / laugh fest. I was like REALLY? I have to do all that and STILL check with them? What are they doing for gosh sakes? Doesn't everybody have a job to do in this process? I give them my stuff....I fill out all these applications and THEY FIND ME A JOB...and CALL ME. That's how it should work. Right? I was cursing and carrying on about all these LIFE changes, how much I hated it, shouldn't just myself and my worth stand for something? Out and out uncontrolled laughter went on for a solid five minutes or more.
Looking for a job is HARD WORK people. It's selling yourself. And I gotta tell you, I was a lot more marketable product when I was twenty nine and pretty dang fine. I'm tired and worn out and I have Menopause issues. My rose colored glasses have long been tainted with real life. And to say that I have limited patience anymore is a vast understatement. I require soft soled shoes on my feet that hurt all the time, and my work area has to have an A/C that can pump out the cool like a AK47 machine gun. So you tell me how well these interviews are really gonna go ... if I ever get one.
But low and behold, IF I can't find a job in the 'new' conventional way, on the new conventional job sites, I can always fall back on sites that are more familiar and comfortable for me such as :
IF I DRIVE THE GET AWAY CAR WHAT'S MY CUT.COM
I CAN STILL PUT MY FOOT BEHIND MY HEAD FOR A DOLLAR.COM
DO YOU THINK THEY'LL AIR THAT EPISODE OF COPS IN GEORGIA.COM
I WILL PERFORM BABY'S GOT BACK ON THE COURTHOUSE STEPS.COM
HOW OLD IS YOUR GRANDPA THAT NEEDS A DATE.COM
CAT FOOD REALLY DOES TASTE LIKE TUNA.COM
IT AIN'T PRETTY BUT I CAN STILL BELLY DANCE.COM
IF YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES REALLY TIGHT MY BUTT FEELS LIKE BEYONCE'S.COM
EVERYBODY SAYS NO AT FIRST.COM
PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME LIVE WITH MY PARENTS AGAIN.COM
I'll DO ANYTHING BUT THAT FOR A DOLLAR.COM
I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING THAT SMALL BUT I'LL TRY.COM
I WOULD HAVE ALREADY MOVED TO COLORADO IF I HAD KNOWN.COM
I OWN A SHOVEL AND I CAN BE DISCREET.COM
I CAN GO FASTER BUT IT'LL COST MORE.COM
With a little bit of luck, and a whole lot of humor...I think I got this...don't you?