Monday, May 30, 2011

Fast Cars and Freedom

I never see him anymore. I've lost him to fishing, swimming in ponds, out-swimming gators, working, running with the boys, seeing his gal, and summer. He's as brown as dirt. His hair is turning lighter. He's lost his Winter weight. The extra pounds he strenuously tried to gain for Spring Football. If you can call ten pounds or so, Winter weight. He no sooner got his license to drive alone in March, and then he was gone.

School has been out less than a week. Once that count down was on. Yesterday, in passing, (and I do not use that term lightly) I told him I was off this Tuesday. "Off!!!!" , he exclaimed. As he could already see visions of someone rearranging his plans. "WHY??!", he exclaimed again. I told him, not to worry, I had already planned to spend that day to myself. No need to panic. He nor his services/company would be required.

While he mows lawns for a living, I have to make an appointment to have my own lawn tended. It's hard to remember when the last time was he took out the trash. He never seems to be here when it's full. His room smells almost fresh again. He's never in it. I walk by, and it's just a dark, lifeless room anymore. A room that used to stay full of boys, Xbox game playing, guitar rifting, and unimaginable smells. He hates the smell of air fresheners. Which I would hide in various places in his room. Only for him to find them, and one by one, close them up. I went in his room yesterday, to place some clean clothes on his bed, and all those fresheners were where I left them and open. Our game of "hide the smell good" seems to be over. He's not here enough to care.

His shed that stayed closed up for most of Winter has been re-opened for business. The A/C in the window has been activated and the little refrigerator re-stocked.  I have seen some boys in and out of there. I heard remnants of music blasting one night last week. How sweet those loud drums and electric guitar sounded.  Zach and two of his friends stayed overnight in the shed. Lying air mattresses on a wooden floor as the hum of the A/C finally rocked them to sleep. At 2am, he said. My job of being head cook may soon be coming to an end. He's talking about buying a mini-grill for him, and his buds to cook food on. To save me some trouble.

He must not understand how this Mama stuff works. I like the trouble. I like the constant company and noise. Because I know, in a few years, it may be gone for good. I refuse to think about that right now. Refuse to rush time any faster than it is already speeding out of control on it's own.

My oldest son, who first moved away almost two years ago, calls two or three times a week now. He used to call almost every day. And while there were times, I found, I had nothing to discuss every single day, I miss not having anything to say now. His life is full of school, his friends, his boyfriend, and teaching.

I think I am entering the first phase of the empty nest. It feels like it. It feels like I heard it would be. The last one home. Turns sixteen and begins to drive. I think that's when it begins. It's just started, and the past few days I have felt a lot older than my 47 years of age. I'm homesick for my home the way it used to be. Busy, noisy and unkempt. It's sad to say, but as much as these kids love summer, I dread it. With school comes, classes, homework, regular sleeping hours, and my child, at home.

He spent the night off last night with plans of getting up early and going fishing/swimming this morning. I'm expecting him home within the next few hours. Starving to death and broke down tired. And I'll be glad to see him. He'll shower up, digging into the hamburgers I'll have ready and waiting, and fall asleep with a full stomach on the couch. His seat reclined, head back, and not a sound will come from him for several hours. But he'll be here with me. And that's all that matters.

copyright © 2011 Michelle Mount Mims

1 comment:

  1. Sweet Mama thoughts ...yep the silence once they're grown is deafening!