Sunday, April 22, 2012

Bring On The Heat

I know I'm going to be old one day. Heck, I've got a good foothold headed in that direction already! And I know right now, my life is all about hot flashes, flushed faces, and lots of cold air conditioning. But I'll just be suwannee, if I can imagine myself lying around with blankets piled on my legs and thick socks that climb to my knees. 

I love my Mama and Daddy like you cannot believe, but to spend the night at their home anymore is just excruciating! From the minute you walk in their door, you instinctively want to start removing your clothes. My Daddy used to be just as hot-natured as myself, but once he had his heart bypass surgery about four years ago, something changed. He was my only ally for the air conditioner to run at sub-zero and now he is no longer on my side either. He walks around in sweat pants in the middle of July and my Mother wears a sweater year round'.

As you all know, I recently visited them this past weekend. I came into town for the Relay For Life Walk and stayed with my folks over night.  I don't know what was wrong with me, but I completely forgot the things I usually bring along for surviving these over night stays. Yes, that's what I said, FOR SURVIVAL. One of them is a fan. They have ceiling fans in all the bedrooms, but that is not enough. BELIEVE ME.

So as I lay there this past Friday night, cursing myself for forgetting part of my survival paraphernalia, my mind began whirling around. I couldn't sleep, might as well entertain myself. Thinking in third voice as I often do, because I often write in third voice as well, my brain seems to circulate my thoughts in the same manner, these are the thoughts that were going through my mind.

1.  So as she flips and turns, she wonders, how many house fires are created from hot as fire legs trying to find the cool spot on some hot as fire sheets in a hot as fire house.

2.  She also wonders why the heck these old people paid good flippin' money to have their A/C repaired five times last summer? All they seem to use is the heater. They should have just installed a sauna and been done with it.

3. And though she knows she is on diet, she is also cannot fathom how in the world she came to the house of bran flakes and rye bread, and didn't pack hidden crackers in her suitcase for food supplement.

4.  She is wishing she had scarfed down two pieces of ILLEGAL chocolate cake at the walk instead of only one.

5.  She is also alternately praying between hunger pains and hot flashes that the ceiling fan above her head does not twist itself off the frame as she has it on high and it sounds like a helicopter with a propeller gone bad.

6. She daydreams, because sleep is OUT of the question, that they will find her sunburnt and shriveled come morn'.  Which at this point, is only three hours away now.

7.  She thinks, I am in hell, with the scent of BURNING potpourri all around me, and the flames are licking at my legs from all the friction of sliding them around, still bent on finding a cool spot. 

8.  That black bran bread is sounding better and better, she wonders what that really turns into once it's inside of your body. They cooked her noodles and string beans mixed together for supper. Never had that before in her life. They are on a diet. They are 70+ years old. They are already healthier than half the people I know. They will probably out live me she thinks.

9.  She is trying to imagine just how hot it really is, then she remembers, her folks "cutting the air down" for bedtime. To SEVENTY FIVE FLIPPIN' DEGREES. They should have saved that time for something more productive, like packing my body down with ice cubes. She is sure they will fret for days how much 'extra' electricity they will have burned. She thinks, I can cover that. I'll just leave a case quarter on the nightstand.

10. Then she begins to try and find the positives in all of this. Ah, here is one. She won't have to shave her legs in the morning, because she will have rubbed all the hair slap off her legs from scrubbing them looking for cool spots all night long! And here's another, she will surely lose at least 10 pounds from sweating to death!

11. I'm sure you are all screaming about now.."OPEN THE WINDOW". Because surely, it is cooler OUTSIDE, than it is in that house. Well, here within lies the best part. They live in a very nice home. In a very nice neighborhood. However, the prior owner was an elderly woman who was a very scared woman when her husband passed. The lengths she went to feel secure would astound you. One of those precautions, was NAILING ALL THE WINDOWS SHUT. So, short of me possessing a hammer and pulling those nails out one by one, that's out.

I finally fell asleep around 3am. It was an abrupt and restless sleep all three hours long. I awoke again at 6:51 am just as hot as I had fell asleep. I got up, took a cold shower, got dressed, went outside to their covered carport, sat in the swing and proceeded to put on my make up. It was 14 degrees cooler OUTSIDE than it was in their house. I was ten minutes into my cool down when my Mother stepped outside to ask me would I like a (HOT) cup of coffee. I said, "Yes please, that would be lovely", because that is what good daughters do. 

One day my children, especially that one that's a writer (wink wink) will probably be writing old lady stories about me. But that's alright, my hot flashes will be gone by then, and most likely, the better part of my memory and the rest of my 'give a dang' filter. And if that book makes enough money to pay for my corned toed pedicures, then have at it my son! Make up stuff if you have to, cause I plan on being pretty ornery when I get that old, and my nursing staff will have to be well paid to put up with me I am sure. My sweet, sweet parents are going to be a breeze compared to what I have in store for my children ;)

1 comment:

  1. I laughed like crazy at this!!! I could have written that myself ... (but it wouldn't have come out as wise and funny as yours does! ... oh! that would be witty, wouldn't it?)... especially the part about "my daddy"! I always take a fan with me when I visit my Florida relatives! They think 80 degrees is just fine!

    HA! I have the air set on 64 and Mattie just(as I am commenting on your blog) came into the living room - from bed - and asked me to turn the air down some because it was too hot in her room! I answered, "Sure!"

    I am afraid I am going to "spontaneously combust" one of these days!

    Keep me laughing! Love your stories!