Willie Is On The Web

"Baby, did you hear about the robbery at the Dollar General?" I look at Mims and say..."Yes I did, but not by you...I had to get the 411 from somebody at work..where did you hear about it at?" Mims says "I saw it on the web."  I busted out laughing..Zach follows..laughing harder. He saw it on the web. Yeah.

Three weeks and two days ago, Mims got his first computer. At work. There has been a computer in my house since 1993. As of four weeks ago, Mims was still standing behind my chair to look at pictures, as I clicked, from one page to another. Because he didn't even know how to turn a computer on. Now, he's looking at the news, on the web. 

He's at WORK. Looking at the news. On the web. I began making cracks about the shakedown that is surely coming. Human Resources, sighting all the different sites he is and is not allowed to go on. Zach begins to tell him how easy it is to wind up on the "wrong kind" of sites. Both Mims and I snap our heads around in his direction, as Mims says "Get yourself in some trouble boy, keep talking."

Which of course leads to me telling them about the site for "fat old ladies" I found while looking for a picture for one of my stories. I always go to Google...then put in...pictures of rainbows, pictures of flowers etc. Well this particular night, I put in the google space... pictures of fat old ladies. Every XXX SITE you can think of came up! I was freaking out. Hitting the escape button. And as I'm telling this story..Zach takes it on in....finishing my story...laughing, and slapping his leg.


Zach begins to give his own account of me pulling up fat old ladies. Begins the show of a lifetime mimicking what I would look like trying to get my computer to switch screens. And he says, what if...laughing hysterically as he tries to talk, what if, your screen froze up and you couldn't get it off. You had to take it back to the Geek Squad at Best Buy and get them to clean it up and fix it. They would be looking at you and your screen that still had a picture of a fat old lady spanking her own behind, flickering over and over again. He's so loud, and laughing so hard, he can't breathe.

Now many of you may remember the two separate, but very close in time, related incidents concerning my two men..and Best Buy. Last year right after Christmas. One involved a GPS and the other a truck stereo. These two purchases and their customer related malfunctions, took over nine trips back and forth from Quincy to Best Buy in Tallahassee. Many cross words were passed between my men and the customer service representatives at Best Buy. I believe even a few mild mannered threats were insinuated. At one point, I was on line with Envision Credit Union checking out my savings account status. For possible bail money availability.

So I let Zach and Mims have their fun with me. Because by now, Mims is in on it too. Laughing his head off as Zach continues to create a story to remember. Still laughing about the old fat lady, spanking her own behind, and the Best Buy personnel looking at me like I'm a freak. Zach says, choking on his own question from laughter, "Really, what would you say, what would you do?"

I just sat here and laughed with them. Smiling. Right along. And when Zach asked me that, I just looked at him and said, 'Well son, I would probably begin by explaining that my perverted husband who has just learned how to use a computer, has been "using" my computer for awful, and degrading acts of behavior. And that while I, myself, was ashamed to have to bring the computer in to be repaired, I knew it would have to be me, or else it would never happen. Then I would pause, and smile, and say, see the two pictures hanging on your wall over there in Electronics? Those two pictures of those two men, who are NEVER allowed to come into your store anymore? One of those is my perverted husband who tore up my computer trying to search for fat old ladies "on the web". "  At that point, I would fully expect that sales representative to look back at me, with a look of absolute pity, pat me on the back, and say "Yes, ma'am, we'll be glad to take care of this for you" and walk off shaking his head, wondering, how such a sweet, sweet woman, could have wound up with such a pervert for a husband. A WANTED perverted husband at that. With his picture, hung up on the Wall of Shame.

Mims came to have a computer at work, because I, as Purchasing Manager, was trying to bring the Quality Assurance Departments, in both of our Florida and Arizona plant locations, technically up to speed.  Now that he's heard funny, yet scary stories about what web surfing can do from Kornbread Jr., Willie Delbert Mims might just want to stick to surfing the Weather Channel. He needs his job, and I would like to keep him as my husband. And him, looking at fat old ladies spanking their own behinds on the XXX sites, might prevent both of those things from happening.

copyright © 2011 Michelle Mount Mims