I'm not sure exactly when the happy mood turned to a mediocre one. One minute I was happy as a lark. The next, my mind began to wonder and it was all downhill from there. As thoughts began to scatter about my mind, I wondered, would it all end here with me. Would either one of my children care about the beautiful trees I've planted in their Great Grandparents memories. Would they, one day, continue to plant Calduims in my MaMa's honor, her memory. Will they have have yards of their own, and plant trees that meant so much to me. Simply because they meant so much to me. Will the smell of Jasmine bring flashes of brilliant and familiar smells to mind. Will either of my sons love the smell of freshly cut grass. Will the simplicity of sitting in a front porch swing bring them the same joy it brings to me.
I will be fifty years old in two years. Most times, I don't think about age so much. But this year, has presented many challenges that bring age to the forefront of my mind. I have several friends who are literally fighting the fight of their lives. Fighting FOR their lives. No matter the simple face we would like to put on those situations. They are fighting for their lives. And if you're like me, you have to wonder, why them? And when will it be my turn? When will I be presented with something that will absolutely turn my life upside down and change my life as I know it forever. Will I be as brave as they are? Will I be able to put one foot in front of the other, no matter how badly I would like to lay down until it all goes away?
I don't often get in this frame of mind. But I am today. Two different times today I have cried. For no apparent reason. During a phone conversation with my oldest son, the tears again, came crashing through. The last thing he needs is to worry about me. Especially when there is no real rhyme or reason for my tears. Joshua said, "maybe you need to write, when is the last time you wrote something.". I told him last weekend, maybe. I couldn't really remember. He told me, maybe that was what I needed to do. To write.
So, here I am, writing. Unloading my sadness and reflections on all of you. To get it out of my head. To be rid of it. Maybe words will dissolve it. Or at the very least, make it seem smaller and less foreboding. I like to think, I'm usually a very positive person. But certainly, everyone has feelings that are less than desirable. My Daddy used to call it the "mullygrubs". Whatever the heck that really means.
Tomorrow is a new day and back to work I will go. My mind will be forced in other directions that don't allow "down time" for a pity party. On Tuesday my oldest son will be 25 years old. Maybe that, is indeed the true root of my crybaby mode. It certainly is a big deal. But then again, so is turning 50 years old in a couple of years. Maybe today, the thought of both together, was just more than my heart could handle. Maybe after Tuesday, when Joshua turns 25 years old, I won't think about all that namby pamby, silly stuff again for a couple more years. In a couple of more years when I really do turn 50 years old.
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