Thursday, January 27, 2011
Still on My Knees
I worry about my boys whenever they cross my mind throughout the day. I worry about my parents...daily.
Zach sends me a text message. Wants to know if he can go to Taco Bell after basketball practice with his buddy Mclane. I say yes, but immediatley my gut begins to churn. The worrying begins. He sends me another text after practice, he's coming home instead, his knee hurts. My gut begins to knot again. I text back..CALL ME NOW. He does. There's nothing really wrong, it's swollen and sore. But in the 15 minutes between when I asked him to call and when he did...I worried myself to death.
Joshua calls me from Tuscaloosa. He's walking from class to his car on campus. It's a long way. In the dark. I talk to him the whole way. People are crazy. I worry. He's driving home from Birmingham. It's better than an hours drive. It's dark and he's tired. I talk to him on the phone throughout the drive. These are rituals we have come to participate in. Together. Because I worry.
I'm ten years old. We're in a restaurant. I have a fresh $10 bill in my pocket. Birthday money or some such. I glance over at a table. Our dinner comes. We are eating. I notice a table off to the other side of the room. Everyone at the table has a plate. But one little girl. Through our whole meal, she never gets her plate. I worry. Why doesn't she have anything to eat. We go to leave, there is a jar on the counter next to the register. Raising money for one thing or another. I pull the $10 out of my pocket and stuff it in. For the girl who has no plate. My Daddy asks me why? I show him the girl, who was just getting her food as we turned around. I worried myself out of $10. Needlessly. But someone else, somewhere, would not be hungry. Because I worry.
My Mims was diagnosed with Prostate Cancer four years ago this March. He was offered several choices. We together, opted to have it removed. Quantity of life over quality. I needed him. To be with me. Forever. Like I had originally planned. He is cancer free now. And I thank God for that everyday. And I worry, twice a year when he is tested. I worry.
My father had a quadruple heart bypass two years ago this June. He went in for stints. It was not possible. That was his option. He took it. He chose, time. My mother needed him. To be with her. Forever. Like he promised. On June 4, 1960. And I worry. The doctors say these surgery's will only last 7-10 years. So I am already worrying.
My mother called me today at work. She has not been feeling well she says. Immediately, I begin to worry. She went to the doctor yesterday. She was worried she had another kidney/bladder infection. A year ago this past December, she was in the hospital for almost a week. She had become nearly septic. In older females there is no pain with bladder/kidney infections. They can be the silent killer if you do not watch yourself closely. Yesterday, her tests came back clean. But I will worry until she sounds like herself again. Tonight, she sounded weak. So I continue to worry.
My friend Patti has already had one surgery this week. She had hoped that would be enough. It was not. Her test results were not pleasing. She asks, when can we do this? The doctor says when can you? She says, tomorrow. I will see you tomorrow. She chooses action over the unknown. She will now have to have radiation and chemotherapy. She knows what the results can be. She chooses life over vanity. Although she is scared. Scared for what it brings. She is beautiful. She will be beautiful. No matter the outcome. Patti has a very strong faith in our Lord. Our God. I know it is all in His hands. But I am worried. I just found her. She too, is supposed to be with me forever. And she will be. Because I too, have faith. Even though I worry.
Does it solve anything? Will it cure anything? Will it change anything? No..to all three. Can I stop? Not likely.
Because I love hard and I love strong. With no filters and no reprisals. I just love. The only way I know how. With everything I've got. I've never had a very good on and off switch. So whoever is worrying about me..please don't. I tend to disappear when dealing with life is distasteful for me. I'll be back when I can. No melodrama here...just me. Being me.
Still on my knees. In Quincy Florida.