Friday, February 4, 2011
Last night, I chose to take the high road. I should know that road by heart. I have told my children so many times in their lives, which direction it is, and how to get there. I chose to remain calm. To collect my thoughts. Before I spoke again.
First, I will say, my children are my world. For so many years of my adult life, they have been my every waking thought. I have two of the wisest, most intelligent, and compassionate children you will ever meet. I knew once my first son was born, I was going to have to work very hard to keep up. And by the time my second son arrived, I knew moving double time, still might not be fast enough.
Secondly, I repeat, I have never regretted any conversation subjects or depths of conversation I have ever had with my children. I wanted to know, from the moment they both began to speak, everything they had to say. I wanted to know every question that crossed their minds. And I prayed, that both of them would always come to me for answers. Instead of strangers, or friends, or worse, whoever might lead them in the wrong direction.
I am well aware, that no matter how much I talk, how open I think I am, that I cannot control their lives. I cannot be with them through every decision making process they encounter. I can only hope, that somewhere, in their minds, my words still linger.
No doubt, there will come a day, my children may disappointment me. Their choices may disappointment me. No doubt, I may have very well already disappointed them at some point. I think I do the best I can. I'm pretty sure they think they do as well.
I am only going to say this one last thing, that I feel must be addressed if I am able to lay down and sleep again. For people who somehow think the way I raised my son, the openness in which I chose to raise Joshua, somehow "caused" him to be gay....you have absolutely NO idea what in the world you are talking about.
Both of my boys were raised the same exact way. To have choices, to be themselves, to pave their own road. I gave/give both of them directions. It was their job to ride the wave. Nurture ~vs~ Nature. The great debate of all time. You don't know me if you think you can make me even remotely believe that I "caused" my child to be gay. Genetics "caused" Joshua to be gay. Period.
I have beautiful children. I dressed them both as boys. They both had trucks and tractors. I read the same books to both boys. Now they both like to read. They both love the humor of Will Ferrell, Adam Sandler, Seth Rogan and gross teenage folly. They both have the best sense of humors and the most sincere laughter you will ever hear. They both have the biggest hearts. I raised both of them to be good men. And they are..good men.
Joshua is gay. Zachary is not. At least I don't guess he is..maybe I should re-think this thing. Zachary loves nice clothes, and has wonderful tastes in color and fine furniture. I wonder if Zachary knows, he could be, there is a possibility, he is a 1/4 gay? He hates to be left out of anything....I'll have to let him know...some small minded person may prejudge him one day. But to ignore it. And continue to be himself. Who he was raised to be. Who he was born to be. Just like his brother.